I was passing a shop 'Hairdressing for Men'
So I went in
There was a rabbit trying on clothes
All these blokes were saying 'That's great, you look really good'
Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
Why I fired my Secretary
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning,
let alone' Happy Birthday.'
Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me? I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?' She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment; it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...
followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
New Improved Apple
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from £499 to £699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea.
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.
Sorry more Salesman Jokes...Sent in by Salesmen!
Two Copier Salesmen were curry addicts and injected themselves with curry powder between blow outs - both are in intensive care.
One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.
Salesmen in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Rogue Traders is now going to be shown twice a week.
A saleswoman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about Sex at that age."
"Curious about Sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"
Just one more thing
Sitting in a pub, a man turns to a fellow drinker and says: "Just tell me one thing: why is there only one Monopolies Commission?"
George and the dragon
Late one evening, after closing time, an exhausted tourist knocks on the door of an isolated, countryside pub, the George and Dragon. The landlady sticks her head out of the window. "Excuse me, I'm lost and hungry, could you spare me a little food?" the tourist asks. The woman glances at his dirty clothes and shouts back, "No!" "Could I at least use your loo?" the tourist pleads. "No!" the landlady shouts again. "Then," the tourist says, "might I please..." "What now?" barks the woman. "Do you suppose," he asks, "I might have a word with George?"
First and last orders
A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint, please, and one for the road..."
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says: "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Bard of the bar
Shakespeare walks into a tavern. "Oi, Shakespeare" shouts the barman, "You're bard!"
Booze and cruise
A guy goes into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The barman says: "Sir, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says: "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The barman says "What do you have?" The guy says "50p"
An old cowboy goes to a bar and orders a drink. As he sits sipping his whiskey, a young lady sits down next to him. She turns to the cowboy and asks: "Are you a real cowboy?" He replies: "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences and branding cattle, so I guess I am." She replies: "I'm a lesbian, I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women." The two sit sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sits down the other side of the old cowboy and asks: "Are you a real cowboy?" He replies: "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
A popular bar has a new robotic barman installed. A guy comes in for a drink and the robot asks him: "What's your IQ?" The man replies: "130." So the robot goes on to make conversation about physics, astronomy and so on. The man listens intently and thinks: "This is really cool." Another guy comes in for a drink and the robot asks him: "What's your IQ?" The man response: "100." So the robot starts talking about TV, the weather and so on. The man thinks to himself: "Wow, this is really cool." A third guy comes into the bar. As with the others the robot asks him: "What's your IQ?" The man replies: "80." The robot says: "So, how many copiers have you sold this month?"
A man walks into a bar and sees troubled artist Vincent Van Gogh nursing a pint. "Hi Vince," says the man. "Can I get you a drink?" "No thanks," replies Van Gogh. "I've got one ear."
Four fonts - Arial, Helvetica, Tahoma and Times New Roman - walk into a bar. The barman says: "Get out - we don't want your type in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
At one American university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," replied the diligent student. "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," she said. "And you, sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up.'"
Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
A: Bacon and legs!
The dark split
Q: How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Who cares? They never get the house anyway.
Two men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "That window is magic. To prove it, I'll jump out." He jumps, much to the other man's horror, and plummets 20 floors only to stop and float gently back up. "Amazing, huh? Why don't you try?" The other man is dubious, but eventually decides to jump. He plummets 30 floors and smacks into the pavement. The first man is in hysterics. "You know," says the bartender, "you're a real pain when you're drunk, Superman."
A tramp walks into a bar and demands a drink. He is refused because he clearly can't pay. The tramp then pulls a hamster from his pocket and says, "In return for the drink, I'll show you something you've never seen before." He takes the hamster over to the old piano in the corner where it proceeds to play Gershwin tunes beautifully. The barman is impressed and pours out a scotch for the same tramp, who knocks it back and demands another. "No way," says the barman. "Show me another miracle and you can have another. Otherwise get out." From another pocket the tramp produces a frog which starts to sing beautifully. Another customer is so impressed that he immediately offers the tramp £500 for the frog, which he accepts gratefully. The barman is amazed, "You're mad," he tells the tramp, "That frog must have been worth millions." The tramp smiles and orders another scotch. "Not a bit of it," he says, "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
Ignorance is bliss
After marrying a sweet young woman, a 90-year-old gent tells his doctor that they are expecting a baby. "Let me tell you a story," says the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot." "But that's impossible!" the old man exclaims. "Somebody else must have shot that bear." "Exactly," replied the doctor.
Q: How do you kill off a circus in one go?
A: Go for the juggler.